I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
