New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
