His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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