In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
