im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize
