all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I got inside last night via doggy door
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
