Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
