hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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