If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
We are all done wearing pants today
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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