I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
