Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
