btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize