I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
