I understand why you refuse to be sober now
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
