so that wasnt chicken after all
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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