My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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