Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
