if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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