I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
