Kiss
Puke
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize