Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
