You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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