Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize