last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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