Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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