The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
