My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
