My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
