I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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