i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
