i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
