you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
