just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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