apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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