She said her name was "party"
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
