And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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