First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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