i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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