I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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