Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
