living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
