A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Girls should come with a carfax report
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
