I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
