I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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