My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
