I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
