I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
