i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
