My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
