I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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