I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
