It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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