bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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