I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
