Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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