Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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