Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
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