Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
