I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Never underestimate the power of titties
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize