I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
