Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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