I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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